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In Latin, the name Amanda means “beloved,” “worthy of love,” “deserving to be loved,” or “loved very much by everyone.” I will admit that the last definition is a bit presumptuous teetering on arrogance, but I digress. Feeling worthy is not as easy as my name lets on to be. Unworthiness played a significant role in my initial trepidation of pursuing vocational ministry and seminary. And unfortunately, it still creeps in from time to time.
My struggle with worthiness has found small footholds throughout my life in friendships, academics, athletics, and ministry. One of the most significant areas of my life where I wrestled with worthiness is ironically my favorite thing about my story, which is my adoption. I was adopted from China when I was roughly 10 months old, give or take. The adoption process for my parents was challenging to say the least. The Lord had blessed my parents with two sons, but it reached a point in my mother’s health that having more children was simply not an option. As time went on, my parents finally made the decision to adopt internationally. After nearly a year and a half of waiting, and on the verge of losing hope, my parents finally received a call that their daughter was waiting for them in China! While I do not remember this whole process (you know, cause I was a baby), I am told that my brothers, family friends, and so many others were waiting to meet me once my parents got back to the U.S.
I was graciously blessed to have been raised in a household in which I was also raised in the church and in Christ. I believe there is a difference between these two things. While neither of my parents served in vocational ministry, it seemed like that was where we spent most of our time. I love my church family and I am incredibly grateful for the constant love, support, and encouragement they have always given to me. Some of my closest friendships began in my home church, as well as some of the most significant mentors. It was in this church where the idea of pursuing ministry was first impressed upon me, but I brushed it off because surely God would call someone more worthy to do His work. Like most people afraid of stepping into something unknown and uncertain, I told myself that there would be someone else to fulfill God’s plan, but more on that later.
For the longest time, I never thought about my adoption as making me different from other people. Sometimes other kids would make the observation that I did not look like my brothers or parents. Perhaps it was just my youth, but I never thought anything of it. They were my family, and I knew they loved, even when I made a mistake. It was not long until I started to question and wrestle with understanding my adoption. How could my family love me if my birth parents seemingly did not want me? Do my friends actually want me in their lives, or am I being treated as a charity case? How can I prove that I am worthy? These questions never fully showed on the outside, but they were always looming in the background. Gradually, the depth of those feelings increased, and I struggled with what I was doing. The only rational thing I felt I could do to prove myself was to throw my identity into other things. Academics and swimming became my identity. I did that crazy kind of swimming where I woke up way before the sun and spent most of my time in the pool. Given the time demand, swimming quickly became my life. I somehow convinced myself that if I could become remarkable at swimming, I’d surely feel worthy. Needless to say, this did not go as planned. My swimming career came to a halt in my senior year of high school, and instead of returning to the Lord, I threw myself into wishful thinking about my future.
I set my eyes on Mississippi State University, majoring in Biochemistry with an aspiration to be a pediatric dentist. If I could not have swimming, then surely, I could have a rigorous academic agenda. I got through my first semester of undergrad and found that while my courses were interesting, I felt incomplete. I dismissed these feelings in the hope to finally feel worthy through academic achievement. About this time, questions concerning my summer plans began to arise, and I had no idea what to do. The Lord eventually led me to a little place called Glorieta Camps nestled in the Southern Rockies in Glorieta, New Mexico where I served as a camp counselor. It was here where God drastically changed my course to align with His, and I had no other choice but to be obedient.
Camp had three weeks of staff training before the summer sessions, and let’s just say that I felt way in over my head. The climate was brutal, getting trained on the high elements seemed stressful, and the Bible studies made me feel very inadequate. I questioned why God would have brought all the way out to the wilderness of New Mexico in the first place without any purpose. As staff training concluded and summer sessions found its rhythm, I still had lingering feelings that I wasn’t supposed to be at camp. I knew I was not the smartest counselor or the most adept on the high elements, so why would God lead me here? About when I started hitting that mid-summer exhaustion (the kind where you’re so sleep deprived that you’re not only physically tired, but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually drained), God spoke to me in my vulnerability. I like to describe it as one of those moments where it felt like God grabbed me by my shirt collar and shook me to get the point across. He told me that the call He gave me three years prior could not be ignored anymore. It was evident at that moment that the Lord had set me apart to serve His kingdom in a unique way that only I could fulfill.
After years of struggling with unworthiness, I finally felt affirmed that God makes me worthy to serve Him for His purposes, even in the moments where I feel unworthy.
After three years of being blatantly disobedient, I finally responded to God’s call on my life and felt secure that He would equip me for whatever work He had set before me. After years of wrestling with inadequacy in my adoption, I finally felt that I was worthy of love. If you ask my parents, they’ll tell you that they chose my name because I
was worthy of their unconditional love before they even knew me. In the same way, God provides unconditional love for me because I am His beloved child.
I am reminded of the story of Hosea, where the prophet is called to do something unheard of; take a prostitute as his wife. The image of Hosea uniting with an unfaithful bride is a reflection of how Israel acted out in repeated disobedience. Israel acted out to the point that God had to lead them to a vulnerable, desolate, deserted place to bring them back to Him. Glorieta was my desert. The Lord had finally called me back. I was welcomed into the arms of a Father who lavished me with affirmations my worth and proclaimed that I am worthy of His call. God eventually led me to Waco, Texas to pursue my Master of Divinity at George W. Truett Theological Seminary. With one year under my belt (and many papers later), I know that I am worthy of God’s call and that He will continue to encourage me as he prepares me to serve His kingdom.
About the Author:
Amanda Clark
Hometown: Huntsville, Alabama
Undergrad: Mississippi State University
Favorite Verse: Hosea 6:1 – “Come, let us return to the Lord; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.”
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