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What is my purpose?
This is a question I have asked myself a lot, and in some moments, this question has had very distinctive answers.
I first started asking myself this question when I started high school. Both of my parents had played college basketball at Oklahoma State (Go Pokes!), and with athleticism and height running in the family, I was starting to take volleyball seriously. This question of purpose came into play during the college recruiting process. All of a sudden, I had to ask myself what I wanted from a university and where I wanted to spend four years of my life. I had no idea everything that was in store, but I did know and trust that God was in control of the whole process 100%. If I put my hope and trust in Him, then everything would work out as it should… and it did! During spring break of my junior year of high school, I committed to play volleyball at Rice University (the BEST school ever, in my totally biased opinion). So that was that. I graduated from high school, packed my bags, and moved from 75 and sunny Southern California to 95 and 95% humidity Houston, TX (a shock!).
At that moment, I saw and defined my purpose as being a Division I volleyball player. I wanted to earn my spot as a starter and immediately make a difference on the team. I began to place my worth and happiness in how I was performing. If I played well in practice, then it was a good day. If I had a rough workout or got subbed out in a game, it was a bad day. My life began to revolve around my stat line and whether or not my coaches thought I was good enough.
Which was fine until I was no longer playing and was struggling during practice. I felt as if I had lost my purpose because I was not performing well on the court. I started questioning why I was even there. Was I worthy of this scholarship I had been given? Should I even stick around?
However, in the back of my mind, I knew I was at Rice and on the volleyball team for a reason, I just could not figure out what that reason was.
I had lost my purpose, I was sad, and I was confused. Then, junior year came around. I was playing more, and by the end of the season, I was starting. Yes! Finally! I was happy and satisfied. At the end of the year conference tournament, we went in ranked 6th in our conference and made it to the tournament championship game.
I was playing some of the best volleyball I had ever played. It felt so good. I felt as if I had broken through. I was looking forward to the offseason to improve and come back ready for my senior season. In the spring semester, I felt I was improving and I was taking on a new leadership role as an upperclassman. Then, March 10th hit. During practice, I went to hit a ball and came down just right (or wrong, you decide) and heard a pop in my knee. Every athlete knows what that pop means… torn ACL (and meniscus). Just like that, I was out with nine months minimum of rehab, surgery, more rehab, and even more rehab in my future. The emotions I felt when the doctor officially broke this news still bring tears to my eyes. I could not believe it.
Everything that I thought brought me happiness was gone.
What was my purpose now? My plan was going so well. I had put in the hours. I had gone through other injuries and hardships during this journey. It was my time. It was my senior year. Why in the world would God mess up my plan like this? I did not understand why something like this would happen to me!
Looking back on these thoughts, it is so clear to me why this all happened. Notice how many times I just wrote the words “I” or “me.” My plan… I put in the hours… I did this… My time. I was so focused on me that I had ever so slowly moved off the perfect path God had planned, and I was forging my own path that could only end in sadness and disappointment. I was focused on my purpose, is to become an amazing volleyball player. I thought my purpose was to start every match. I was set on hearing praise from my coaches on how good I. Wow, how self-centered and shallow is that?
So, God did what He does best and humbled me. He took away the one thing I was placing ahead of Him—volleyball. I was so mad at that moment, and I let God know it. I argued with him in my car, in the parking garage, and at my apartment. Even through anger, the only thing I could do was put my head down and focus on getting back out on the court. Through the surgery and rehab over nine months (thanks for putting up with me every day for so long, Jason), I slowly began to chip away at the false narratives I had in my head regarding my worth and purpose. Thanks to more time in my Bible and some fantastic friends’ words of wisdom and encouragement, I no longer had volleyball to show me I was worthy, so where should I look to now? God!
With all of the rehab, I had time to think. I redshirted during what would have been my true senior year and worked to find new ways to love my teammates when I was unable to be on the court. My coaches gave me opportunities to work with some of the freshmen to encourage them in this new chapter of their lives, or hit balls during drills (standing on the ground, of course), or keep stats during matches. That year was a time of immense growth for both myself and our entire team. Growth that, although painful at times, allowed the program to improve in ways I am so thankful for now.
The news finally came on Wednesday, January 10th, at 2:58 PM. I had been clread to play volleyball again! WOOHOO! There were days during that whole process I thought I would never be able to play volleyball again, but here I was, nine months later, getting the green (more like yellow) light to return to practice.
I had grown in my faith so much over those nine months that when I got cleared to play, I had to re-evaluate my purpose. What was my life going to look like with volleyball back in it? All I knew is that I did not want to go back to living the way I was pre-ACL tear. My prayer going into that final season was that I would completely surrender my last season to God and that I would bring joy to my teammates regardless of my playing time, stat line, or outcome of the games. I asked God to use me in whatever way He desired. And man, oh man, did God use that season. It was one of the most successful seasons in recent Rice volleyball history, and the relationships we formed as a team, some relationships I never thought would or could be mended, were repaired tenfold. It was a season of comradery and love, and that is what made it so special and unique. We ended up winning both the regular season and conference tournament championships and getting a bid to the NCAA tournament for the first time since 2009.
While these moments, championships, and records are a great reminder of a successful season, what stands out to me is to look back and see God’s hand so clearly over every moment of my time at Rice with my teammates and my coaches. When asked now what was the best thing that happened while I was at Rice, I would, without a doubt, say tearing my ACL. This seemingly horrific moment brought me to my knees and gave me a renewed chance to bring more care to my relationship with God. It showed me that when I try to do things by my power and my own strength, I will fail. It allowed me to rely on God’s plan and purpose for my life when it felt like everything around me was crumbling. It brought me a new lease on my faith that I am so thankful for. It gave me an extra year at Rice to continue to build relationships, get to know a new class of freshmen (whom I love with all of my heart and are growing up absolutely too fast), and leave a little more of my heart at a place that means so much to me.
I am so thankful for the hardship because I am confident that without those nine months of rehab and without being given that extra season at Rice, I would not be at Truett Seminary now. This extra time allowed me to re-evaluate the path I thought I had set out so well for myself. It allowed me to see, through some hard and uncomfortable conversations. It brought me to a Christmas party where someone asked me the questions “so, what do you want to do now?” and I answered, “I don’t know, but I love the Lord and I love serving others” to which I got the response, “well, why don’t you do that for a living?” (something no one had ever said to me before). This all lead to applying to Baylor University’s Truett Theological Seminary to pursue an M.Div. with a concentration in Sports Ministry, a decision I am eternally thankful for.
It is so amazing to look back on my story and see so clearly God’s hand in places I thought He had left me. I am so thankful for the people He has placed in my life who have challenged me, cried with me, celebrated with me, and confided in me to get me to where I am today. I am so thankful for my amazing friends at Truett who have loved me so well and pushed me in my faith in ways I never thought possible.
So, what is my purpose now? When I ask myself that question, I look to Colossians 3, which says:
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience… Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful… And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (Colossians 3:12, 15, 17)
About the Author:
Hometown: Waco, Texas
Undergrad: Rice University
Favorite Verse: Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”
DISCAIMER: BFF ALERT. Shelbs, thank you so much for sharing your story. Oh how thankful I am for your ACL injury as well, without it... you wouldn't have the chance to know me. JK I wouldn't have been blessed to know you. I can't tell you enough how much you mean to me and I cannot wait to get the show on the road at Church Street.
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