How to walk with someone who is hurting | 4 Steps

This photo is when Julia & Alan told me I was going to be an aunt to Zeke!

I want to start this post off by prefacing that my sister, Julia, and her husband, Alan, are two of the strongest people I know. Earlier this year, heartbreak hit hard, and the heartache is still lingering. Thank you for letting me share your story and hopefully guiding others of how they can walk with those who are hurting.

In January 2019, Julia and Alan were matched with their second adoption! Their first son, Zeke, was adopted a year prior and his biological mother was pregnant again with Zeke’s brother. Zeke’s mom asked Julia and Alan to adopt his brother that was due later in the spring. Although a second baby was not planned, they prayed over it and opened their hearts to Zeke’s brother, Simon. They began praying for him and his future. They began preparing a second bedroom. They began to prepare to take time off of work for when he was born. The whole family was excited and loved Simon from the moment we found out he would be joining our family.

In late April, Julia and Alan received the call that Simon had been born early and there were some complications. They were not aware of the extent of the complications as they began their trip to Florida, where Simon was born. Quickly they learned that the complications were severe and that Simon had been airlifted to another hospital. They discovered that his chance of survival was small, but they started praying and hoping that God would intervene so that they could give Simon a chance of life and bring home Zeke’s baby brother.

I called them regularly on their 24-hour road trip to check up on them, see what state they were in, and try to keep them in happy spirits. As they got closer to Florida, I could tell that the calls weren’t as cheerful and that their hearts were changing as they were preparing for what could happen.

Julia & Alan were driving back from Florida on Zeke's birthday so I was able to snuggle him to sleep!

Simon fought hard for two days and was so loved from afar by our family. Simon passed away on April 24th, Zeke's first birthday. When we received the message that Simon had passed away, our hearts shattered.

My heart broke for the baby who didn’t get the opportunity to have a full life, and for my sister, who now wasn’t able to be an amazing mother to two. My heart also broke for Zeke because he had lost an opportunity to grow up with his little brother and have that bond. Although I was sad and angry, I was more-so scared because I had no idea what to do. One of the people that I love the most lives had changed in an instant, and I had no idea how I was supposed to be there for my sister.

I called my pastor, and he asked me if I had spoken to Julia yet. I explained that I hadn’t because I didn’t even know what to say- where to even begin. He said, “Call her, and just tell her you love her.” The most important thing I had to do in that moment of heartbreak was show up, so Julia knew she wasn’t going to walk through this alone.

So, I called Julia and left a message letting her know that I loved her and that when she was ready to talk, I was here for her. Although I was crying on my end, she knew that she wasn’t alone.

Through this experience, I learned some of the most important things to do when you’re called to walk with someone who is hurting. Although, we will never be able to take away their pain, no matter how badly we want too, we can love them through it. I have made a list of four small things to do when walking alongside someone who is hurting. Here they are:

1. Pray

Always start with prayer. Pray that the Lord is holding their heart, that they can feel His peace, and that He is with them. Pray for your heart, that it is prepared to be the best reflection of Jesus in the hard moments. Pray that the Lord can speak through you. That you can speak truth, love, and provide comfort.

2. Call

Call. Show up. Let the person who is who hurting know that they are not alone. If you can go to them and be there for them in person- do it. If you’re not able to be physically present, pick up the phone and call. Although I didn’t know what to say when I called Julia, and I was crying- I just left a short message reminding her that I love her and I was ready when she was.

I think that I was most scared to call her because I wasn’t able to hold back my tears. I learned though that you don’t have to mask your pain and be tough when you go to someone who is hurting. All they care about is that you show up.

3. Listen

Give them the chance to open up. When Julia and Alan got home, I went over to their house with full intentions of just sitting with Julia. I wanted to give her the chance to work through what she was feeling, and all I could do was listen. If they ask a hard question that you don’t know the answer too, it’s okay. You can just say, “I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know this stinks, and I’m sorry.” If they don’t want to talk, welcome the silence. No matter how uncomfortable the silence is, sometimes it’s the only thing they need.

4. Check-in

If time has passed and it seems like they have moved on, that doesn’t mean that they’ve forgotten and that they aren’t still hurting. Many people won’t bring up things that are from the past because they don’t want to "burden" others. Check-in with them often and see how they are doing. When you ask how they are feeling, you give them the opportunity to express their thoughts and emotions that they may have been holding onto for a while.

Although these four steps won’t be easy, they are crucial when you walk with people who are facing serious life challenges & have broken hearts. When something seems more significant than what you are equipped to handle, just ask the Lord for guidance. He has placed you in their lives at this specific time to glorify Him and be His witness.