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Often times, I feel like an Israelite, constantly choosing a false idol over God. I know that if people were to read my story, they would say the same thing when reading the Old Testament: "God has been so faithful and merciful to you, WHY do you keep choosing false idols?!" I often wonder if they felt like they weren't good enough or didn't believe the God of Israel could love them. I imagine they did because that's how I've felt so many times in my life. I relate to the struggles and patterns of their sin. Just as the patterns of the Israelites' sin and God's mercy is so predictable in the Old Testament, so are the patterns in my life. Each time I read the Old Testament and then reflect on my life, I am reminded that God's mercy stretches through time and is endless.
When I was first saved, the sermon was about a battle between God and Satan. God would be telling you to do one thing, and Satan would be telling you to do the opposite. I remember physically feeling a fight going on in my heart about whether I should go down to the front to declare my faith. I could not make a decision until I heard the pastor say that Jesus has already won the battle against Satan. He said that even though you will still feel this pull between God and evil, if you do make the decision to be saved, Jesus has fought the battle for you and won. I suddenly felt relief, an unexplainable peace. I went down to the front, knowing that I would never be alone in a decision again.
From then on, God has demonstrated to me over, and over that I am not alone. Even when I have let go, He holds on. He has always pulled me back into his arms. I cling to this every single time I start to doubt. The first time this happened was in high school. I started falling into the temptations of every teenager after my first break up. The heartbreak eventually seeped into all the areas in my life. It turned into depression, and I started to doubt my belief in God. I had left the peace of God's presence and thought I was walking alone again. My mom eventually realized that I was losing my faith and sent me to the last term of the summer camp at Kanakuk. Deep down, I did crave the peace and comfort again, but I was so scared to go to Kanakuk because I didn't think I would fit in. I hadn't exactly been a model Christian the past year—I wasn't even sure if I still believed in God! However, God knew just what I needed. Since Kanakuk is a sports camp, I was able to feel comfortable in the dance classes I was taking (I had been dancing since I was three). Once I was comfortable, I was able to make friends and be open to learn the Gospel again. I rededicated my life in those two weeks and realized, once again, I don't have to walk alone.
In my sophomore of college, the same thing happened. I fell into the temptations after another horrible breakup. While I could feel myself starting to sleep all day, lose interest in my life, and stop eating, I knew I did not want to lose my faith again. I kept leaning on God no matter how bad it got, but I was still falling into temptations. God knew I needed to turn my life around. He pushed me to work at Kanakuk this time. I applied so last minute that I ended up going to the last interview of the whole Kanakuk tour (luckily, it was only an hour and a half away from me). Again, I was worried that I wasn't the right person to work at Kanakuk. I didn't even try to interview for a counselor position because I didn't think I was a good enough Christian.
I worked the last of half the summer as a cook, and it completely changed my faith. I learned what it was like to truly put others first and myself third. Through this, I learned discipline. I learned what it was like to be in prayer the majority of the day since the work was almost mindless. I had a community of God-fearing women, both my age and older, who lifted me up and I could depend on fully. I got to hear their stories and see how they live out the Gospel in their lives. God showed me what my life could be like if I fully trusted and depended on him. He pulled me back into his arms a third time.
Senior year I made the decision to move to New York. I was going to get a job in publishing, and my two best friends from high school were moving there as well. I have always loved New York; my mom and I had visited almost every year since I was 12. It was the perfect place. However, in March of my senior year, I started feeling uneasy about the decision, but I didn't know why. In a writing class, the woman who writes the press releases and brochures for Truett passed around the invitation for the Truett Preview that very Friday. I signed up for the Preview on the same day, Tuesday, which was the last day to sign up. I toured Truett and felt the same relief and peace I felt the first time I accepted God. I knew Truett was where God wanted me to be.
Of course, I had the same fears pop up about not being good enough. I was still not the perfect Christian, and I had not lived an innocent life. The devil constantly told me I wasn't good enough for seminary, and that I wouldn't fit in. This time though, I was so confident in God's plan. I was certain that things would work out and that I was good enough to go to seminary because I was not going to seminary alone. I was confident in my faith, and I knew that God would be there with me.
From there, things kept falling into place. I got a job, I found an apartment, and I was able to sign up for my classes effortlessly. God has continued to show me that no one is truly "good enough" for the Gospel.
Everyone, my friends, professors, theologians and people in the Bible, has fallen into patterns of sin. No one is perfect, yet we all have one thing in common. Jesus died for us, and this is why we can walk in faith and confidence that we are not alone.
Seminary has pushed me and shaped me in ways I couldn't have imagined. Even through endless discussions of theology and tradition, God finds ways to remind me of the simple Gospel:
About the Author:
Hometown: Bentonville, AR
Undergrad: Baylor University
Favorite Verse: "No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave or forsake you." Joshua 1:5
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